I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You may now shotgun with the bride
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
