I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
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I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
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Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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