Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
