I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
