I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
and you fell through a lawn chair
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
