If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
