Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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