yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
