Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
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Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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