My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
