I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
