She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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