Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
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Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
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I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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