i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
