you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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