and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
