i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
