I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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