Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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