just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
