you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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