If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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