I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
