During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
