i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he thought i was a dude.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
