this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
