i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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