Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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