My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I will pee on everything he values.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
