I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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