I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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