Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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