i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
how does that bad decision feel?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
