We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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