Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
