there's paper in my vomit.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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