When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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