Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
