You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
