Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
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and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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