I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
