so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
she looked like the before picture.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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