The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
