If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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