so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just want to make out with him forever
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
