Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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