She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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