just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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