So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
