nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
