I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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