I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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