i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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