I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
