I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
