dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
