I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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