Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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