i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
40s are totally the cure
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
