Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
