census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
