I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
